LA Archer
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer decides to immerse himself in the culture of Los Angeles. Well his idea of culture anyway.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is running around LA somewhere. Just more madness from my tiny little mind.**

 **LA Archer **

"Okay," Cyril sighed as he looked at the members of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "Does anyone have any ideas for getting new clients? Any ideas at all? Anyone?"

"Have you tried calling Shapiro?" Krieger asked.

"Are you crazy?" Cyril snapped.

"I take it that's a rhetorical question," Ray quipped.

"Honestly after the whole clown incident I'm not exactly in a hurry to call him up again for work," Cyril groaned. "My wounds have barely healed."

"I agree," Mallory nodded. "We need to find new contacts. New clients. Anything to get us out of the red and into the black."

"You want us to be black?" Cheryl blinked. "I guess I could get cornrows or something."

"Our problem is that we're not LA enough," Archer said. "We need to adapt to the culture."

"What culture?" Mallory groaned.

"Face it Mother," Archer said. "We're too New York for this crowd. We need to mellow out and go with the LA vibe. Blend in a little more. Therefore, I have come up with a few activities to help us accumulate to living in LA."

"Are we going to have shootouts on the freeway?" Mallory asked acidly.

"We had that in New York too right?" Cheryl asked.

"You know there is some merit into what Archer is saying," Lana admitted. "This group could stand to absorb a little culture. There are museums and art exhibits and gardens…"

"I'm not talking about the boring stuff Lana," Archer groaned. "I'm talking about the real culture of LA."

"You mean going to events celebrating the diversity of the cultures of people who live in LA?" Lana asked. "Like going to theatres and festivals highlighting the heritage of…"

"No!" Archer rolled his eyes. "You just don't get it! I'm talking about the **culture** of LA!"

"And by culture you mean **exactly** …?" Lana groaned.

"I think it's **obvious** Lana," Archer said. "Where we all go to see and be seen! To package deals! Schmooze with people!"

"You mean drinking in bars," Lana groaned.

"And restaurants," Archer said. "And going to hot spots to dance and drink!"

"And shopping!" Pam spoke up.

"Shopping too," Archer nodded. "That's a given."

"I should have known…" Lana groaned.

"You really should have," Cheryl nodded.

"I figure the first thing we do is go to a famous water bar," Archer said. "So everybody get their bathing suits…"

"Wait, what?" Lana interrupted. "Hang on…"

"Yeah maybe I don't want to wear a stupid bathing suit," Cheryl spoke up.

"As much as I'd love for you to go nude," Archer rolled his eyes. "You're wearing a bathing suit."

"What are you? My bathing suit supervisor?" Cheryl snapped. "Wait, is that a thing?"

"Hang on…" Lana said.

"Carol, if you go nude, Pam is going to want to go nude," Archer said.

"Way ahead of you," Pam pulled off her dress.

"PAM!" Mallory shouted.

"WHAT?" Pam shouted back.

"Put your damn dress back on!" Ray snapped.

"You're not my bathing suit supervisor!" Pam snapped.

"Again is that a thing?" Cheryl asked.

"Put the dress back on," Archer groaned. "As I was saying before I was interrupted Carol, if you go nude. Then Pam goes nude. And that means…KRIEGER!"

"What?" Krieger had stripped down to his underwear.

"God damn it," Archer groaned.

"Hang on…" Lana sighed.

"See what I mean?" Archer protested.

"Yeah I see," Ray gave a look at Krieger. "Looking good, Krieger."

"Thank you," Krieger smiled.

"Oh for the love of…" Mallory rolled her eyes.

"What is it with you people and stripping?" Cyril snapped. "Why don't we just form a nudist colony and be done with it?"

"Can we?" Pam asked.

"NO!" Archer, Mallory and Lana shouted at the same time.

"Look everyone is wearing bathing suits to the water bar," Archer said.

"Can I say something for a minute here?" Lana asked.

"When have you ever asked permission **before?** " Archer groaned.

"I know, right?" Cheryl scoffed.

"It's getting you **not** to say anything for a minute that's the trick," Archer quipped.

"Archer," Lana gave him a look. "You do know that it's called a water bar because they only serve water? Right? That no alcohol is served. Only water."

"Wait what?" Archer did a double take. "You mean watered down drinks?"

"No," Lana shook her head. "Just plain water from all over the world."

"So it's not a bar **in water?"** Archer blinked.

"That would be a **pool bar** ," Ray sighed. "A water bar is a bar that serves only water. Not alcohol."

"Hang on," Archer held up his hand. "So you're saying a water bar, only serves **water?** "

"Yes," Lana said.

"From the tap?"

"No," Lana explained. "From bottles. All over the world."

"I'm not following you," Archer blinked.

"Honestly neither am I," Mallory blinked.

"Water bars sell fancy bottled waters from all over the world," Cyril said. "From places like Fiji, or Italy, or Paris."

"You know when you go to a really fancy Italian place for dinner?" Pam spoke up. "And they have those bottles of Aqua Panna or San Pellegrino from Italy on the table?"

"Yeah," Archer said.

"That's what water bars sell," Pam explained.

"So water bars sell bottled water," Archer slowly got it.

"And **only** bottled water," Ray said. "From all over the world."

"And there's a **market** for this?" Mallory was stunned.

"Apparently," Cyril sighed.

"Well that's just got to be the dumbest thing I ever heard," Archer remarked.

"I agree," Mallory nodded. "Welcome to LA!"

"I mean I've heard of air bars and I thought they were dumb," Archer said. "But at least that concept has a niche market. You know? Really old or sick people who need oxygen anyway. So I guess for them it might be cheaper than going to a hospital. But this whole water thing…No. Don't get it at all."

"Hey! It's a great concept!" Krieger spoke up. "I used to fund my old lab selling bottles of Krieger Springs!"

"What?" Mallory did a double take.

"Never mind," Krieger gulped.

"Is that what that lawsuit was about?" Mallory shouted.

"That and some minor radioactivity found in the bottles," Krieger coughed.

"So you were selling bottled water to water bars?" Mallory shouted. "That's actually very clever."

"Mallory!" Lana gasped.

"Well it is," Mallory said. "I've known Krieger a long time and this is up there with one of his better schemes."

"That's frightening," Ray grumbled.

"And it's also probably why your water bill was so high back then," Cyril pointed. "Wait a minute! Our water bill is high **right now!** KRIEGER!"

"What?" Krieger blinked.

"In the first place," Cyril groaned. "PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!"

"Make me!" Krieger challenged.

To this Archer responded by repeatedly slapping him. "OW! OW! OW! FINE!" Krieger caved in.

"Thank you Archer," Cyril sighed.

"Thank you for giving me an excuse to slap him," Archer said.

"And secondly," Cyril sighed as Krieger pulled his pants up. "Krieger you are not selling any bottled water from this agency!"

"Oh so…" Krieger said. "You don't want me to…Okay. No problem. I was having some minor distribution problems anyway."

"Okay so water bars are out," Archer said. "We go to Plan B! Pool Bars! So everyone get your swimsuits…"

"The nearest pool bar is closed because the pool was found with algae in it," Ray interrupted. "And the other three closest don't open until after eight."

"Eight in the morning or…?" Cheryl asked.

"Evening! Eight PM!" Ray barked. "So that's out too."

"Wait how do you know where all the pool bars are in the area and what time they're open?" Archer asked Ray.

"How do you **not?** " Ray asked.

"Good point," Archer thought. "Man I really am behind on my LA culture."

"Maybe we could go somewhere else?" Lana suggested. "Once Pam puts her clothes back on."

"All right fine!" Pam grabbed her clothes. "When did you become Ms. Moral Majority?"

"How about a museum?" Lana suggested.

"A museum? With **this lot**?" Mallory asked. "Please! Their idea of culture is the mold that grows on cheese."

"So I have another plan," Archer said. "I have a bunch of DVDs in my office. LA Story. LA Confidential. A couple of seasons of LA Law…"

"I have It's Like You Know…" Pam spoke up.

"It's like you know **what?** " Mallory shouted.

"Let's not start **that** again," Cyril groaned. "But since we don't have any real clients. Or work. Or anything better to do today…"

"So basically the plan is to watch movies all day?" Lana groaned. "Can I be excused and go home?"

"Only if I get to come with you," Mallory told her.

"Done," Lana said as the two women began to walk out.

"All right! Movie day!" Pam cheered. "I'll make popcorn!"

"And I will go to a real Los Angeles bar," Mallory said.

"I should go pick up AJ," Lana sighed.

"You know you've already paid for the day right?" Mallory gave her a look. "No refunds after ten in the morning."

"Damn it," Lana sighed. "Which bar are we going to?"

"WHOO HOO!" Archer whooped. "Pam! I want a rematch for our chugging contest!"

"You're on numb-nuts!" Pam laughed.

"Somewhere far away from these idiots," Mallory groaned as they left.


End file.
